LEGION (2010) review

 

written by: Peter Shink & Scott Stewart

produced by: Michael Litvak & David Lancaster

directed by: Scott Stewart

U.S. theatrical release: January 22, 2009

 

It hasn’t even been a week yet and already we’re breaking our approach here. Sometimes a movie is so bad, it’s good….that’s not the case here. Paul and I decided to IM a review instead of either one of us having to endure thinking more about this awful movie.  The following became something of a well-needed catharis….

10:54pmDavid

okay, so here’s the synopsis of “Legion” per IMDb, as posted by some dude named D-MAN 2010….What happens when God gets tired of us lowly humans and decide to start over? Well nothing good, thats for sure. Here are three new images from Scott Stewarts upcoming horror-action movie Legion, starring Paul Bettany as an archangel who voluntarily falls to Earth to save the savior of mankind. Unfortunately said savior hasnt been born yet, and his mom is a diner waitress played by Adrianne Palicki. Luckily for our warrior angel, the diner also has some battling humans to lend a hand, including Dennis Quaid, Charles S. Dutton, Tyrese Gibson, and Lucas Black. Hell need them too, when theyre surrounded by angels.

10:55pmPaul

Let me tell you… In no way does any of this equal a good thing for the moviegoer!

10:56pmDavid

I like the last sentence! This D-MAN probably wrote this God-awful mess of a film! Should it even be called a “film”?!?!

10:56pmPaul

This was definitely a “movie”

10:56pmDavid

moobie

10:58pmPaul

So let’s break this down… why was LEGION so horrible?

11:00pmDavid

let me count the ways….well, it started out with some awful narration dialogue from Charlie, the gal who’s carrying the chosen one in her belly….something about how based on her childhood and her experiences with God….well, God has basically said, “Enough of this BS”, in regard to man (of course)….which left me with a eye-rolling sigh.

Paul

While we’re talking about good ol’ Charlie… am I really supposed to sympathize with a lead character who is 8 months pregnant, but CHAIN SMOKES??

11:04pmDavid

and, hey, guess what….when moody/mysterious Tyreese calls her on it (cuz you know they’re just going to!), she’s all smug with her “I don’t care” tude! Awesome. Let the stock stereotypes begin!

11:10pmPaul

i’m just speechless.

11:10pmDavid

I can tell. you took a while on that.

11:11pmPaul

so… right off the bat, we get the scene with the old lady from the trailer, which is the high point of the movie. We get maybe 10 minutes of action… and THEN…

60 minutes of sentiment from each character on why we should sympathise with them. even a few tears.

 

 

11:12pmDavid

I think we should make it clear that it the Demon Golden Girl (DGG) was the best part of the film,er, moobie. BUT her scene did NOT come soon enough. It wasn’t nearly “right off the bat” enough!

11:13pmPaul

minutes DID feel like hours before we were definitely waiting for it

it surpassed my expectations, I must say

BUT IN NO WAY IS THAT MY ENDORSEMENT FOR ANYONE TO SEE THIS MOOBIE

11:13pmDavid

wait….what expectations?!?!

11:14pmPaul

the scene with DGG

i was loving DGG’s “pottymouth”

11:14pmDavid

Right! I guess this is one of the reasons why we have this site. We take the hits, so our readers won’t have to sit through such a disaster.

oh yes! DDG had shark teeth and a great demeanor!

11:16pmDavid

old people are scary, you know.

11:17pmPaul

speaking of scary types of people… can I throw out a SPOILER ALERT here? the part where the minivan rolls up to Paradise Falls (awesome name)

11:18pmDavid

Spoiler Alert?!?! Bwahahaha!

11:19pmPaul

i’ll just say, the children in this moobie were frightening… in a funny way. pretty much anything i say about LEGION from now on, just add, “…in a funny way” to the end of it

11:20pmPaul

i laughed so much in this movie, and i have a feeling i wasn’t supposed to… LOTS of people laughed.

11:20pmDavid

well, yeah, that’s why we agreed this is a “one star” movie, a shall we say “lone star”?? We grace it with one star cuz it made us laugh.

It got to the point where everyone in the theater was in a MST3K live taping!

11:22pmPaul

the last movie that was supposed to make me laugh and did was THE PROPOSAL. i watched that a few weeks ago. i laughed MUCH HARDER during LEGION than I did in THE PROPOSAL.

11:22pmDavid

Whoa

It was just….wow.

11:23pmPaul

i actually did the “silent bouncy laugh” twice during this moobie.

11:23pmDavid

I saw that!

How bout the character developing quite moments, eh?

11:24pmPaul

you mean 70% of the movie?

11:24pmDavid

geez, yeah!

11:24pmPaul

“Ya know, when I was a shorty…” – Tyrese Gibson

11:25pmDavid

Thankfully, I can’t even remember all of the bad lines, much less the rehashed one-liners

11:26pmPaul

“Are we BACK in BUSINESS??”

“We are CLOSED FOR BUSINESS!”

 

 

 

11:26pmDavid

I think the last good movie I saw Lucas Black in was “Sling Blade” when he was the boy

great lines!

11:26pmPaul

lots of business talk from Mr. Quaid

11:26pmDavid

Quaid, what happened?!?!

he is so “Far From Heaven” here!

11:27pmPaul

bazinga.

11:27pmDavid

phoning it in with “G.I. Joe”, “Pandorum” and now THIS!

last good movie was “The Express” and that was pretty standard sports movie fare.

11:28pmPaul

maybe The Rookie

daddy’s gotta get a new pair of shoes though. i would do the same thing (maybe?)

11:29pmDavid

was that in the moobie?

11:29pmPaul

in reference to Quaid’s recent career moves.

11:29pmDavid

for sure….he had what looked like a comb over and a sourpuss expression the entire time!

11:30pmPaul

that was his “i’m drunk” face

11:31pmDavid

how bout Kate Walsh (from Private Practice) and Jon Tenney (from The Closer) as the annoying married couple waiting to get their car fixed by lame-o Lucas Black, who’s character’s name was Jeebs. Jeebs!

11:32pmPaul

I loved what ended up happening to that couple though!

11:32pmDavid

poor Charles Dutton, I liked him since that Fox show “Roc” and he was worse here than his role in “Mimic”

oh yeah, that couple got what was coming to them and I guess we did too!

11:34pmPaul

alright… i feel like i’ve already devoted FAR too much time to LEGION… let’s wrap it up… what are your top 3 favorite things about LEGION, and 1 last thing you can say to the dear reader about LEGION?

11:36pmDavid

so, when we first see the Angel Michael (Paul Bettany, the albino from “The DaVinci Code, who can currently be seen with his wife, Jennifer Connelly, in “Creation” as Darwin in what BETTER be a superior viewing experience) he lands al la “Terminator” in LA on December 23 at like 1am and he immediately hordes a load of guns, I think he chops his wings off too (who knows why) and starts about his “mission” like all righteous gun-totin’ angels do.

11:37pmPaul

side note… WHY SHOW US THE TIME AND DATE IF THEY NEVER REFER TO IT AGAIN??

that’s rhetorical

11:37pmDavid

oh, so many side note….so little time!

this was worse than “Silent Hill”

alright, Top 3 Things….um….

11:38pmPaul

they can be fantastically bad, which i assume they will be

11:38pmDavid

1. DGG

DGG sold me when I first saw they trailer, she’s what made me want this movie to rock!

2. Gabriel’s eviscerating wings – made me want to work on a really cool Halloween costume!

 

 

11:41pmDavid

3. If the writer’s don’t care then I don’t either – at some point, you just go along with how bad it is and laugh it off. Clearly, the writer’s don’t care….so it makes me feel better that I don’t. We’re on the same, er, page.

And yours?

11:41pmPaul

1. DGG!

2. The thumbless boy

3. The Ice Cream Man!

11:42pmDavid

yes!

Nice! thumbless boy was like every scary kid out of 70’s horror flicks and the ice cream man was played by the human stretch armstrong, Doug Jones!

11:43pmPaul

and my last point… PLEASE do not go see this movie. Watch it in a marathon with “In the Name of the King” and “Silent Hill”.

11:44pmDavid

yes, this isn’t even like a folding the laundry kind of movie while watching FX….it’s awards season, folks….go catch up on some great films still in theaters or on DVD!

11:45pmPaul

YES!

11:45pmDavid

maybe we should cleanse our cine-palette with some Sandra Bullock?

well, if we see another sucky moobie than you readers can expect this kind of review. Well, see how it goes over….

11:46pmPaul

i bid you farewell.

11:47pmDavid

adios, dude….and be careful what seemingly sweet old ladies you talk to! They just might tell you that your baby is gonna burn!

11:47pmPaul

they’re all gonna burn.

11:48pmDavid

burn baby burn!

until next time…the staff at Keeping It Reel bid you farewell!

So, there ya have it folks! We took a hit for ya, so you won’t have to waste your time and dough. Sometimes, there’s even a cost to a free screening!

 

RATING: *